I'm not really much of a blogger...I only write these things when something big has happened, I have news to share, or I've been thinking about something significantly more than usual. However, today, as I sit here in the house alone, I AM thinking. Ever since Prof. Nichols' lecture, I have been thinking about the cost of discipleship. Today is Sunday, and the sermon today was on how the best is yet to come, and that we need to press on - living our lives with the cross before us...and pressing on and persevering until that "best" does come. Steve talked about how we are on a journey, and we need to give more attention in our lives to knowing God. We know about God, but do we KNOW God? I've been considering this cost of discipleship and how it affects my life. The two words that come to mind are "commitment" and "surrender." They are similar, yet different. I can tell you that I was one to throw around the word "commitment" quite often when talking about God or God's will for my life, or things like that. But my professor Mike Nichols had me look at it a new way. It's not about commitment, because commitment still leaves the control in our hands. When we say "I am committed to this" or "I am committed to doing God's will in this," we still are not letting go of the control of our own will. A better word is "surrender." "I am surrendered to God," "I am surrendered to God's cause." Being "surrendered" to something is different because we are surrendering to the lordship of Christ. We are understanding that our Lord reigns Supreme, and He knows what is best. We surrender to Him because we LOVE Him.
Surrender is the cost of discipleship.
When I look at my life in light of this, I realize that in order for me to be a follower, I need to encounter what it is to fully surrender. This kind of surrender is not a "one time only" kind of act. It is something that must be done daily. Often I have heard it said that the problem with us being "living sacrifices" (Ro. 12:1) is that we keep crawling off the altar. I know that I have to surrender my life daily to the lordship of Christ because it is so easy for me to lose sight of the Truth. It is so easy to get off track, to focus on things that are temporary, or to "crawl" off the altar. Sometimes I am just sick of myself. I don't mean that in a "low self-esteem" kind of way, but I mean it literally -- I am sick of focusing on ME. I'm learning more and more everyday what it means to life a life that is surrendered. A life that is surrendered is not a life that focuses on self, yet it seems that so much of my life revolves around that person. I find that I keep putting my life on the altar, but I put it on the altar in little bags. I put everything up there at one point, but slowly I begin grabbing at the bags, like a child at Christmastime. I take them back one by one until I find that there is nothing left on the altar, and then I give it all back in an endless cycle of trying to surrender but not succeeding. I want to take back for myself what I have already given to God. Is that selfish? I am sure so. I think I would be upset if someone gave me a gift - a whole-hearted, personal gift of love - and then decided later that they actually wanted it back to keep for themselves -- and yet I do this to God all the time. You see, it's about surrender. I want to be a living sacrifice that STAYS on the altar, and I'm discovering what that means....full surrender.
Something that also runs through my mind when thinking about the cost of discipleship are the words, "No, Lord." Sounds funny that those words would be the words on my mind, right? Well, it goes back to something that my Prof. Mike Nichols told us in class. He showed us that the phrase "No, Lord" is really paradoxical. If the Lord is truly YOUR Lord, you do what he wills. Never do you say "no, Lord" if you are completely surrendered - which is what the word "Lord" implies. I have realized that I say "no, Lord" all the time when it comes to my life and what my will is. I say "no, Lord" out of the fear of the surrender that saying "yes, Lord" will require. But no more. I cannot say that Christ is my Lord, and yet say no to His call, to His desire for my life.
It is because, you see, surrender is the cost of discipleship.
No matter what this surrender will lead to, even though it will lead to worldy persecution and suffering, I know in my heart that the best is yet to come! The Lord of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is MY Lord too, and I want to say YES to everything He asks of me. My desire is to serve God, loving and knowing Him more each day in full surrender to His will. That is what the cost of discipleship requires of me - and it is what I want to do more than anything else!!!!
"Love the Lord your God will all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength."
This is what I desire to do by being an obedient living sacrifice. Thanks for listening to my ramblings of the day...
